"I will be thin! I will be thin! I will be thin!"

Like all other things bridal and girly I've never been over the top about my looks.

I'm not a bad looking girl. I have a good-ish figure if a little on the heavy side nowadays but a spot of make up and I "scrub up well" to quote G.

So after we first got engaged and after realising that I'd put more weight on than I realised I decided to go on my first ever diet in January this year.

Rather than count calories and be a complete bore (Celery is 12 calories... ) I thought I'd join a local group and try it that way. So I toddled along to my local Slimming World club run by a lovely lady called Fiona.

And, for a while, I was really successful shedding nearly two stone in about four months. My ideal weight was another 2 stone off but then things started to wane a bit. We entered the house buying process and ended up distracted and with late nights and eating take aways I bowed out of my little group thinking "I'll be fine!" on my own.

Since then I also gave up smoking. My 12 year, 20/40 a day habit that was a pain to break. Putting weight on was inevitable and shock horror last night I weighed myself to see I'd put about half the weight back on (eep!)

Now, in my defence I have carried on many of the habits that I learnt and I believe this has prevented me from putting all the weight back on. I no longer drink full fat fizzy drinks, I only eat fat free yoghurt, I drink a helluva lot of green tea, if we go to a fast food restaurant I know what I can and can't have etc.

It's just the planning that lets me down. The long day at work, come home and I can't be bothered to come up with anything so it's kebab, pizza, whatever is in the fridge again.

So with a heavy heart and dreams of getting my waistline back I am rejoining Slimming World on Thursday.

I'm a little bit nervous but I'm quite keen, particularly after quitting smoking as well. Quitting smoking was something I never thought in a million years I'd be able to do but I did.

These little changes I've all thought at the time I'm doing it for my health, long term etc etc etc and I've come to realise this morning that all of them are about the photos.

Yes, I know... shallow as that may seem but losing weight to look like a filmstar in my dress, quitting smoking is mainly so I can have dental implants... it's all because I want to look amazing in the pictures.

Maybe I'm more girly girl than I thought?

But it's MY day!!!!

Ok. So hot on the heels of my last post I've just had my first ever bridal breakdown.

I'm talking floods of tears, snot pouring, tantrum throwing breakdown... in my work office at lunchtime.

Yeah, good look.

Basically... and to be diplomatic as possible... my MIL to be is a lovely lady... but she INTERFERES TO HELL.

When we bought our house she kitted out our entire house, she lent me money to pay off a debt (which I am paying her back) and did all of this without any of our input.

House moved into, stuff in and we thought phew that's it.

I just got a call from her to say that she had been for a tour around the two places that we would like to get married. No indication she was going to do this. She got brochures, saw the reception areas, looked at photos and got prices.

I was fuming but could only nod, smile and thank her for inconveniencing herself to help us. So I called my fiance who, unsurprisingly, was just as angry if not more (He and his mum don't have the best relationship) and ended up calling her and having a bit of a pop.

It's a bit hard because I want to keep everybody happy and, normally, this would be the part that my mother would have stuck her oar in and stuck up for me without me saying anything to make people feel bad.

But my mum isn't here and I don't really have anybody that can do that for me other than G.

So apparently she was quite upset and stated that she hadn't given any of our details away etc etc and now I feel like shit.

The girls in the office, G and my sister have all told me not to be so silly. Better now than a year down the line but why can't I help but feel like shit. I HATE to upset people and often I may come across as two faced but it's literally because I just don't want to upset people. Call me chicken shit but I hate confrontation and I'd rather bottle it up sometimes.

So now I have a fiance who has shouted at his mum, a MIL to be that feels embarrassed and hurt (and apparently even cried a little bit) and now I feel like I can't face, my sister is bouncing off the walls furious that people are "interfering" when I know full and well she will as well, a completely apathetic father who's opinion is he'll just sign the cheques and turn up...

and I haven't even looked, let alone picked, a venue yet.

Oh dearrr...

Well that's a surprise...

We've actually started looking at things! Yay!

We've got a meeting with a potential photographer tonight. After scouring the Internet and speaking to people (and seeing a lot of terrible photographs) I've finally found one up to my high standards and we're meeting them tonight for a chat and to talk shop.

One of the things I've sat down and really thought about is the lasting things from the day itself. I've come to three conclusions of what is "important" and has longevity.

1) Photographs - My sister got married back in 1989. She had a Harrods antique silk and lace dress, she had the most gorgeous headress made from young white roses, her hair and make up were perfect. She and her groom (now my brother-in-law 22 years later...) decided to pick a photographer based on price rather than gut instinct. To this day she still regrets her choice of photographer. Personally I can't see anything wrong with her photos but she moans and complains about them quite regularly. In addition photographs will probably last longer than we will and they will be passed down through the family.

2) Wedding Rings - My engagement ring wasn't expensive. It's not diamond and it's not huge. It's got a gorgeous sapphire in it that G and I picked out together the day after we got engaged when on holiday in Rhodes. I picked it specifically because the blue of the sapphire was light and reminded me of the beach where he proposed and his blue eyes. Wedding bands do not mean a lot but they are a constant reminder of your connection to someone. Again, these will be passed down through the family.

3) The Marriage - No wedding is worth the stress and hassle that destroys a relationship. Watching countless programmes recently on Don't Tell The Bride, Four Weddings, Bridezillas etc it seems to me that so many women get OBSESSED over the minute details of their big day. The whole reason that I started this blog is that is not the person who I am... but I can see how it can get like that. Along the way I'll just have to remember that it is JUST A DAY. Yes, it's an important day. However it is JUST A DAY.

In other news I went to a festival this weekend with my best friend and came back to find my fiance hadn't realised that the oven was switched off at the wall so had been eating cold and frozen food thinking the oven was broken. And had spent a shedload of money on a vintage Vespa I didn't even know he wanted....

Needless to say he's not being left alone again for a while...

In the words of Paul McCartney.. Live and let dye?

As you can probably imagine for someone who has never been to fussed about weddings and being a bride, I'm quite low maintenance. An off-shoot of that is (or at least I like to think so!) that I am not vain in the slightest.

Don't get me wrong I love getting glamed up for a night out, I have a Mac make up collection to rival any make up artist and I have my obligatory GHDs. But on a daily basis my routine involves rolling out of bed about 10/15 minutes before I leave the house. Wash, brush my teeth, pick out clean clothes and leave... I don't even brush my hair until I get to work... sometimes I don't even brush it actually (*guilty face*).

However I am genetically predisposed to something, something that has been slowly creeping its way into my hairline since the age of 16.

My mum, god bless her soul, had high cheekbones, gorgeous skin, youthful looks and a fast metabolism, the majority of which I inherited. The one legacy I also inherited (along with my sister) is the grey gene.

Yes, I've slowly been going grey since I was 16.

It's not hugely bad, I don't have to dye my hair JUST yet and it's mostly concentrated layers down around my temples but it leaves me with a big issue.

To dye or not to dye, that is the question? I have always avoided dying my beautiful brown hair since I was younger, it's got shades of blonde and red and in the sun it goes all twinkly. However I'm not certain it will be the same in 12 months time or whenever we decide to get married.

The colour seems to be slowly seeping out, it's getting duller and flatter, harder to style (when I do bother) and generally being a bit meh.

Now why don't I just dye it you say? Well, apart from what I mentioned before I dont' want to get in the cycle my sister is in.

She's being dying her hair since she was about 21 (I'm 25) and she either ends up with horrifically ginger hair when she home dyes, ends up looking like Pepe La Peu when she can't get time to go to the salon (think white stripe down the middle of your head) or she ends up having to pay £100s each year just to look "normal". It's been like this for about 23 years.

So, for now, I will stay away from the dye. Pull out the rascally white hairs if they rise to the surface and try my best to reverse the effects of ageing. I think maybe three months beforehand I will have to revist this before I make my choice.

"Erm... you know you said you'd marry me...?"

So, as I mentioned in my first post, my fiance and I decided to wait until we were settled in our new house before we would start making plans.

My fiance is *THE* greatest. I have never met anybody who can make me laugh as much as him. I don't even mind that on our first date we both got really drunk, he puked up half a bottle of Sailor Jerry's I fed him on my carpet and then ended up sleeping on my dad's couch, in fact it totally endeared me to him.

The thing is he's what you'd call a "simple man" (No I don't mean he's thick!) with simple needs.

In true random G style, all the wedding is to him is that bit of paper that says we're married. He's not religious and isn't really bothered about what "God" were to think, he's not too fussed about making a show about our love because he's quite private about that and he doesn't drink as much as he used to so the stag nights not even that important.

He's basically said we'll "do it on the cheap" and not "take any money from your dad". Now normally I'd be inclined to agree with this but over the last 12 months my eye has started to be drawn to frilly things. Four Weddings is now a MUST SEE programme instead of Newsnight.. and Don't Tell The Bride... well, that gives me nightmares now.

So last night I decided to bring up the subject of "Can we start organising now?" It seems SO stupid that I would feel embarrassed and shy to talk about something that he's already agreed to... but I did and he said that it's fine.

Unfortunatley he's given me the following points:

Try not to spend over £500 (Erm, the average UK wedding now costs around £25,000!) though I believe this may be a joke,
NO CHURCHES,
Preferably get the buffet food from Iceland,
Can't be in the summer because he'll get all sweaty,
Possibility of him wearing a Buzz Lightyear Suit for the ceremony,
He won't be doing any speeches...

He then went on to reaffirm the point that this was "my day" and he was just there to awkwardly do his non-smile (honestly it's ruined friends wedding snaps) and make sure he can carry me home at the end of it (due to excessive amounts of champagne I'd imagine?)

But the thing is it's not just "my day". I am a bit of an attention seeker I admit but at the same time when the spotlight is on me I then flee like fat kid from a Weight Watchers meeting.

I think it's going to have to be a case of easing him into it. Making it seem like he's making decisions and then listening to him thoroughly when he does object to something. I haven't necessarily ever been particularly interested in weddings but my way of thinking is that I'm only going to do this once so I might as well make the most of it.

So, I've been told I can start planning with no budget really set, no indiccation of dates I can do or anything... this should be easy..