The crazy is setting in...

I know I haven't posted in ages.. things have started to pick up a bit of speed and I seem to have come down with a case of sickness....
Wedding Fever.

ME, the freaking anti-bride is getting gooey, schmultzy, and over the top about the stupides things.

I can totally understand where the whole Bride-zilla thing comes from. You totally get stuck in the moment.

I'm already struggling with budget... £3k will cover the reception venue, catering, drink and everything. Photography is costing quite a lot (I wanted a specific photographer), £250 for the actual wedding... I haven't even started on dresses etc.

I'm trying my hardest to step back and be a bit less crazy but they really do suck you in. I keep dreaming about table plans, dresses and guestlists....

If this is what I'm like now then christ, what am I going to be like in a years time. EEEP!

But it's MY day!!!!

Ok. So hot on the heels of my last post I've just had my first ever bridal breakdown.

I'm talking floods of tears, snot pouring, tantrum throwing breakdown... in my work office at lunchtime.

Yeah, good look.

Basically... and to be diplomatic as possible... my MIL to be is a lovely lady... but she INTERFERES TO HELL.

When we bought our house she kitted out our entire house, she lent me money to pay off a debt (which I am paying her back) and did all of this without any of our input.

House moved into, stuff in and we thought phew that's it.

I just got a call from her to say that she had been for a tour around the two places that we would like to get married. No indication she was going to do this. She got brochures, saw the reception areas, looked at photos and got prices.

I was fuming but could only nod, smile and thank her for inconveniencing herself to help us. So I called my fiance who, unsurprisingly, was just as angry if not more (He and his mum don't have the best relationship) and ended up calling her and having a bit of a pop.

It's a bit hard because I want to keep everybody happy and, normally, this would be the part that my mother would have stuck her oar in and stuck up for me without me saying anything to make people feel bad.

But my mum isn't here and I don't really have anybody that can do that for me other than G.

So apparently she was quite upset and stated that she hadn't given any of our details away etc etc and now I feel like shit.

The girls in the office, G and my sister have all told me not to be so silly. Better now than a year down the line but why can't I help but feel like shit. I HATE to upset people and often I may come across as two faced but it's literally because I just don't want to upset people. Call me chicken shit but I hate confrontation and I'd rather bottle it up sometimes.

So now I have a fiance who has shouted at his mum, a MIL to be that feels embarrassed and hurt (and apparently even cried a little bit) and now I feel like I can't face, my sister is bouncing off the walls furious that people are "interfering" when I know full and well she will as well, a completely apathetic father who's opinion is he'll just sign the cheques and turn up...

and I haven't even looked, let alone picked, a venue yet.

Oh dearrr...

Well that's a surprise...

We've actually started looking at things! Yay!

We've got a meeting with a potential photographer tonight. After scouring the Internet and speaking to people (and seeing a lot of terrible photographs) I've finally found one up to my high standards and we're meeting them tonight for a chat and to talk shop.

One of the things I've sat down and really thought about is the lasting things from the day itself. I've come to three conclusions of what is "important" and has longevity.

1) Photographs - My sister got married back in 1989. She had a Harrods antique silk and lace dress, she had the most gorgeous headress made from young white roses, her hair and make up were perfect. She and her groom (now my brother-in-law 22 years later...) decided to pick a photographer based on price rather than gut instinct. To this day she still regrets her choice of photographer. Personally I can't see anything wrong with her photos but she moans and complains about them quite regularly. In addition photographs will probably last longer than we will and they will be passed down through the family.

2) Wedding Rings - My engagement ring wasn't expensive. It's not diamond and it's not huge. It's got a gorgeous sapphire in it that G and I picked out together the day after we got engaged when on holiday in Rhodes. I picked it specifically because the blue of the sapphire was light and reminded me of the beach where he proposed and his blue eyes. Wedding bands do not mean a lot but they are a constant reminder of your connection to someone. Again, these will be passed down through the family.

3) The Marriage - No wedding is worth the stress and hassle that destroys a relationship. Watching countless programmes recently on Don't Tell The Bride, Four Weddings, Bridezillas etc it seems to me that so many women get OBSESSED over the minute details of their big day. The whole reason that I started this blog is that is not the person who I am... but I can see how it can get like that. Along the way I'll just have to remember that it is JUST A DAY. Yes, it's an important day. However it is JUST A DAY.

In other news I went to a festival this weekend with my best friend and came back to find my fiance hadn't realised that the oven was switched off at the wall so had been eating cold and frozen food thinking the oven was broken. And had spent a shedload of money on a vintage Vespa I didn't even know he wanted....

Needless to say he's not being left alone again for a while...

And what exact point do you start to define"being a grown up"....

Growing up. It's hard, it involves pains, hell, it even involves buying a new wardrobe and the guaranteed "I'm a goth/emo/dead Egyptian/other person who wears giant black eyeliner on a daily basis" phase.

But at what point exactly do we become a "grown up"?

People have been speaking to me recently and remarking on how "grown up" I am... look at you, you bought a house! Grown up! Look at you, you are getting married! Grown up! Look at you, you ate all your vegetables! Grown up!

So why do I still have the urge to throw a hissy fit, lock myself in my room and do nothing but watch True Blood, read Cosmo and listen to The Cure on repeat until the CD wears out.

I turned 26 the other week. I'm in that weird limbo stage of being young still but now having the weight of the world on my shoulders. One minute I'm panicking about whether or not my colour eye shadow is "on-trend" (OK I lie.. I don't worry about this at all, but you catch my drift.) and then swing to "Oh Christ! I haven't started a pension yet!"

People will gladly sell me knives, cigarettes and naughty DVDs should I wish and when small children bump into me their parent says "Say sorry to the lady..." at which point I get all huffy and think "They bumped into me!" before realising I am that "lady".

Maybe people go through their entire life waiting to be caught out. As if the whole world is merrily ignoring the fact they are actually a child in a convincing suit and haven't realised that they aren't capable of tying their own shoelaces let alone dealing with a multi-million pound accounts/world politics/other people's purchasing decisions on washing powder.

So, until anybody finds out that I'd rather be at the kids table playing with my crayons I guess I better keep pretending that I am one of these adult things. Keeps me off the streets at least...

Your name's not down, you're not coming in...

The guestlist and the drama that comes with it is one of the things I've really been dreading about organising our wedding.

People are polite but when other people aren't having a good time, I don't have a good time.

I'm that hostess that runs around, not enjoying the party herself, refilling drinks, changing the music to the whims of my guests some of whom I probably don't even like but are just jolly well impressed that they turned up.

This makes constructing our guest list a bit of a nightmare.

Take my dad for example. I love my dad, I want him there to give me away and do all the "daddy" type things. My mum died a few years ago and since then he's met a lady who I wouldn't necessarily pick for him and who I wouldn't say I'm overly keen on. But I'm always polite and there is no way I wouldn't invite her....

it's her daughters I have an issue with.

Her two daughters are... horrific to say the least. I won't get into petty name calling or relaying any of the abuse that they hurl at my dad. But needless to say I won't be inviting them, G has said under no circumstances am I to invite them, I'm happy with that but is my dad going to suffer because of it?

I can see the argument now

Dad's GF - "Your daughter hasn't invited X & Y!"
Dad - Oh! I'm sure it's an oversight let me check...*texts me*
Me (via text) - NO WAY! I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM
Dad - "They are trying to keep it quite small etc so that's why. Even G's first primary school teacher hasn't got an invite."
Dad's GF - "HUMPH! Well, considering they will be step-sisters one day I find that very rude AND you're paying towards that wedding so you should know exactly who is coming... your daughters are so selfish/spoilt/demonic. *Continue barrage of abuse until my dad wanders down the pub*

That is just ONE of the myriad of issues that we will have. There is the awkwardness between G's dad, mum and her new partner (I say "new" they've been together 14 years!) and how they can't be in the same room together...

There's the three best friends from my hometown who I grew up, have done eeverything with together who all HATE each others guts because someone slept with someone's brother...

Then we have my Godmother who my dad briefly had a "thing" with after my mum died who my dad's girlfriend has banned him from seeing. I'm the first to admit, like a child, I threw a spanner along with my sister in the works of that relationship (With VERY good reason) but she's MY godmother and I want to invite her..

Then there is the whole issue of "Who gets to sit at the top table?" Does my sister take the place of Mother-of-the-Bride? Does my dad's girlfriend go there? Can I just cut it out entirely... what is the ettiquette for general family disorder?

I think, like any great piece of literature, the guestlist will be written, rewritten, written again, screwed up and used to light some sort of fire and then randomly chosen out of a hat...

If I can get through the entire wedding without a single fist-fight... I will consider it a roaring success...

You have to love them ALL the time... even when they are grumpy..

This weekend has brought with it the double-edged sword of Gareth's employment. The dreaded night-shift.

Pros
He gets to earn lots of pennies
I get the WHOLE bed to myself
I get to watch all the TV he doesn't like (BINTM, SATC and various other acronym loving shows)
We can guarantee that he isn't working during the days so we can have fun and frolics

Cons
He wakes me up coming in at 8am and invariably I cannot get back to sleep
I can't do anything I want to do during the day because of
He's a grumpy miserable bugger
He moans he's on night shift blah blah blah feel guilty do what he wants

I don't REALLY mind as such but at the moment I have a million things I want to get done. I want to go to get some weed killer for the garden, dust, go shopping for food (total Mother Hubbard situation in the kitchen), I want to watch True Blood (The accents are giving him a headache...)

It makes me realise that in some way my life isn't really my own anymore.

This is particularly poignant with my recent quest to revive my writing career. There are so many things that could hold me back, lack of contacts, money, needing somewhere to stay if I were to try and do an internship in London but the biggest thing that holds me back is my relationship and our house.

Now, don't get me wrong I would not give EITHER up for anything. I love my fiance and I love our house but it does make me have to turn down a lot of offers and chances.

Potentially there could be an argument on the horizon over money between us. If it gets to that point. I doubt it will as competition is fierce but I think it'll certainly put us to the test.

So, until that point I will mollycoddle him, make him copious amounts of tea and sacrifice not doing what I want on my weekend because he's really, really tired.

Eeeh, this sounds like a right old miserable entry but I have to point out that despite all this I know WHY he's doing it. He's doing it for us. He's doing it for our future and as grumpy as he is I really, really, really appreciate him for it.

:)

It's all a question of balance...

Life is all about balance. You balance your money, you balance your relationships, you balance work and play, you balance everything.

Balance at the moment is something I'm finding could be a problem in the months to come.

I have a very busy life. I don't have millions of friends, I don't have loads of extra activities I do but day to day living, even without having any kids or anything, I don't have enough hours in the day.

At the moment I have a full time job which I really enjoy but I find incredibly stressful and soul-destroying at times, I have a fiance who I love to pieces but does tend to need caring for and entertaining, I have a dream to ressurect a once promising, and now ailing, writing/journalism career, I have a new house which I'm slowly but surely trying to get just right... and that's even before I start to organise a wedding.

So my question to you is this, how do you prioritise things in your life when they are all as important as each other?

Take my home for example. My home is my castle (ok, slight bastardisation on a saying there but it works for this context). I want it to be somewhere I can come home, kick back and relax. It's almost there but the teeny weeny little things that make it home are either a) going to cost me money or b) take time to do. When do I do all this? At the weekend?

Then there's my ailing writing career. It was once my only goal in life to be a journalist or reporter. Everything else meant nothing to me, to the point I never thought I'd meet anybody or even get married. I thought I'd move back to London get a job and be editor of my own magazine within three years. Life hasn't worked out like that but things recently have made me realise I shouldn't ever give up on that dream. In fact someone showed me the last few days that an opportunity can come along when you least expect it...

My job, well, as I mentioned I love it but it's stressful, it's time consuming and, lastly, it's moving. I currently have about an hour's commute in the morning but the majority of that is sat at the train station waiting for my connecting train drinking a latte and tweeting. It's about 10 miles from my house and close to the station. Next year we're moving offices two counties away and turning my hour and a half commute into a three an half hour commute. This could either be super beneficial (Time on the train to write, to plan etc) or super soul-detroying (My fiance works shifts including every other weekend so less time with him, it's WAY more expensive and will make my weekly commute almost 20 hours.

So how do you prioritise things? Where can I trim stuff out of my life to make things more simple? Maybe, I should listen to my words here and go and do something to make my day a little less busy....